A Tragic Affair
by EbonySkies
Summary: AU-ish Sam loves Blathazar but angels aren't allowed to love. When things start getting too deep heaven steps in and they are pulled apart for the good of the world. But just because the mind doesn't remember doesn't mean the body's forgotten. Kind of a crappy description. This story led itself in a direction I hadn't intended it to go but it's not terrible. Salthazar Slash.
1. Author's Note

I don't own Supernatural, Balthazar, or Sam. Their love is mine because for some reason the Supernatural writers never let them have a gay love affair. All the spelling and grammatical errors are also mine as I have't gont through and edited or beta'd this.

This story is for fun and not monetary gain. I don't think there are any spoilers in the story, except for Balthazar's death. There is a scene in which Balthazar heals Sam and it isn't instant. I felt that different angels should get different healing powers and because they are not bonded by love (like Dean and Cas) anymore there is no painless way to be healed. Also kind of a metaphor if you care to look into it deeper. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 1

Balthazar saw the looks in Sam's eyes gradually change over time. They went from distrust and hatred to something a little warmer. The Winchester never tried to hide the changes, which baffled the angel. It took him almost a year to realize that Sam didn't know the changes were happening. A lot of things had changed for them. Both of their brothers had fallen in love leaving them more time to spend with each other.

Sam made his way through Balthazar's home after having Cas zap him there. That meant that Cas and Dean were going on a date and didn't want Sam to be alone or around. His arrival also meant that Sam was hurt. Ever since Cas had fallen in love with Dean his abilities as a guardian angel of sorts had shifted. Dean was the only one he could heal. Shortly the sound of a shuffling gait met Balthazar's ear. Moments later Sam met him on the porch.

"Date night," it wasn't a question any more.

"I'm fine. They didn't even need to zap me here. I would have been perfectly content sleeping," Sam sighed before sitting in one of the patio chairs.

Balthazar reached out his hand and instantly healed Sam. With a content sigh, Sam sat back in the chair. He watched the angel out of the corner of his eye. Most of the time they sat in silence as the day faded around them. Both had their own lives to live but knew their time together wasn't to be taken for granted.

Cas had killed Balthazar. The angel was gone for almost a year before being pulled back to life. Sam realized then that the angel meant more to him than he'd realized. For months he was angry and hurt and upset, way more than he should have been. It took him even longer to realize it was because Balthazar was gone not because Cas had betrayed them. But Cas had redeemed himself with Dean and they were happy. Sam didn't think he'd ever forgive Cas for what he did even with the angel of his affections back in the flesh.

"You can't be angry with Cas forever," Balthazar stated.

"I'll die eventually," Sam shrugged it off.

They'd had this conversation before. Sam wasn't ready to forgive, he didn't think he ever would be but he could tolerate being around the angel. At least Cas still kept Dean safe. That's all he could really ask for.

"He's already shown himself to be trustworthy again," the angel continued.

"That's great Balthazar. As long as he keeps Dean happy and safe I'm fine. He'll never have my forgiveness for what he did though so there's no point in continuing this," Sam huffed.

"What did he do?"

The breath caught in Sam's throat. He knew he was being baited and as much as he hated it he knew it was part of the game.

"He betrayed my trust and killed you."

"But I'm back."

"You're not the same," Sam said before he could stop himself.

Balthazar looked over at the hunter but knew Sam would never meet his gaze. There were some differences in himself but he'd never thought Sam or anyone could have noticed. He'd been brought back an angel, forgiven of his betrayal to god, and restored as a full angel. That meant he wasn't exactly the same as he was before he went in.

"You noticed," it was simple enough to mean more to Sam than either of them thought.

Sam sighed and stood. He was tired and knew there was at least one bed in the house he could rest in. The footsteps behind him took him by surprise but didn't stop him. Sam hoped that Balthazar would keep walking and let him rest. One of the changes had been in how the two interacted. Once they would flirt and dance around each other in a teasing manor. Since he'd been back Sam realized his flirtations were one sided. Sam stopped and turned to face Balthazar.

"Do you remember what it feels like?" Sam asked.

The look that flashed in Balthazar's eyes told Sam the answer. Being an angel meant he couldn't feel emotions. Emotions were weakness for a warrior. Balthazar was a warrior for god and that meant his only emotion was hatred. Sam had known it was possible, Cas had warned them that Balthazar wouldn't be the same. When angels rebelled they lost their standings in heaven and were no better than mortals. They were cursed with emotions, pain, sadness, and loss like humans did but still had all the powers of angels until they were thrown from heaven. Fallen angels lost their powers rebelling angels still had a chance to redeem themselves. The only reason Cas got to keep his emotions was because without them he never would have had his standings replaced in heaven. Dean's love and confession had saved Cas and given him what he needed to be redeemed. It was rare that a restored angel kept the humanity but because Cas would no longer be a warrior it was allowed.

"I had no choice," Balthazar sighed.

"I know, I was just wondering if you remembered what it felt like," _to love me_ Sam left unsaid.

"Go rest, Sam," the angel said before walking away.

Sam made his way to the bedroom with a weight on his chest. It was hard enough seeing how Cas and Dean were with each other all the time and then being left out of the games because their bond was too strong to include any others. If he was honest with himself, Sam wanted Balthazar to break the rules again, become a free agent again, but he knew that would probably result in him becoming a fallen angel. As much as Sam wanted the angel to truly love him, he wouldn't risk it. The sadness and weight of his love engulfed him as he fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 2

Balthazar stood in the doorway watching Sam sleep. He regretted all the times he never kissed Sam or confessed his love when he had the ability to do so. When he'd been taken back as an angel he'd begged to be able to love Sam. It wasn't fair that the hunter got to feel the love they shared without him. He remembered what it was like when they were in love but he couldn't feel it. The way he saw Sam had changed and he would give his wings to get the way he used to feel back. But he knew Sam didn't want that. Sam would rather him serve his original purpose than to be mortal and learn to resent him. As much as Balthazar could have denied it, he knew that loving Sam wouldn't have been enough to keep him happy being mortal.

Balthazar felt the pull from heaven after a few hours. He was summoned to an office he'd only been in once before. The angels responsible for his extraction wanted to speak with him. With every fiber of his being, he hoped they weren't sending him back. There hadn't been a single rule break since he'd been back. Not even when they told him he was to help Cas and the Winchesters save the world until he was needed in the heavens.

"Balthazar," the woman said not looking up from her desk.

"You rang," he said.

Normally meetings and being summoned would annoy him but because of his reinstated job he was really hoping there was a war going on. His mind wandered back to Sam for a moment but he quickly put the hunter from his mind. If he was needed to defend heaven he would gladly do the job. Cas was there to tell Sam what was going on if needed.

"I've been reviewing your files," she said looking up, "the Winchester hunter, I believe his name is Samuel, seems to have a lot of notation."

Balthazar watched the angel as she stood and stepped towards him. He knew something was going to happen. Every bit of him started to hate the woman in front of him. If she was going where he thought she was then there would be trouble. Memories of his former life flashed behind his eyes.

"Is there a point to this?" Balthazar almost growled.

"There is," she challenged, "You're being reassigned to heaven. It turns out there's too much history between the two of you to make you an asset to their team. We didn't pull you out so you could break the rules again for a silly human. I didn't make you a guardian, I made you a warrior, and he will do nothing for our cause."

A strange feeling tore through Balthazar. It hurt him in his deepest parts, tearing a part of him away. He was sure it wasn't supposed to hurt so he hid the pain. With a curt nod he turned to leave the office. She stopped him before he could teleport out of the room.

"We're not finished yet. You see there is a problem with just extracting you from his life. He loves you, I know it's such a silly idea, but it's the truth. And because of this love he feels he will long for you making him useless in the fight to save humanity. So you're going to have to erase yourself from his memory. He can't remember you, Balthazar. It might not seem fair but we've all been given a path to follow and you can't be any part of his. The both of you are too important to let silly emotions get in the way of your destiny," she said.

He felt like someone had punched a hole right through him. How was he supposed to just erase himself? If Sam didn't remember him then there would be no chance of them ever being able to be happy together. His heart pounded painfully pumping nothing but ice through his veins. She was asking him to do the impossible. Even though he wasn't allowed to love it seemed wrong to take that away from Sam. But he knew the truth in her words. Sam was already affected by the new Balthazar. By disappearing, Sam would spend much of his life broken and not on his a game. He needed to be in tip top shape to save the world on earth. So Balthazar nodded and zapped himself back into his house.

When Sam woke up he went to find Balthazar. The angel was in the kitchen drinking copious amounts of alcohol. He easily saw the sorrow in Balthazar's eyes when he pulled the bottle away. Balthazar did his best not to let himself forget his job.

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"I was called away while you were sleeping," Balthazar seemed to crumble under his task.

Sam didn't know what to do to help the struggling being. There was obviously something important that needed to be said. He knew it wasn't good if it was affecting Balthazar so intensely so he waited for him to continue.

"Ok so why do you look like they've killed your puppy?" Sam asked.

"I'm being reassigned to heaven. My new assignment won't allow me to ever return to earth. But you'll be too affected by my leaving so I've got to erase myself from your memory," Balthazar explained.

Sam knew he couldn't do anything to stop what was ordered by heaven so he just nodded. It was hard to imagine not knowing Balthazar but if it was best for him, Sam would allow it. There were beings out there that knew what was best for the world as a whole and who was he to step in the way. As much as he hated it, he wouldn't remember in the morning.

"Then I can't stop it. Will you be alright, knowing that if we meet again I won't have a single emotion towards you?" Sam asked.

"I'm going to have to be," Balthazar replied.

A moment later they were teleported back to Bobby's house. Sam saw Dean and Cas through the window arguing about something. As he and Balthazar entered both stopped talking. With a sigh Sam realized that Cas told Dean what was ordered. They were fighting over what had to happen.

"Hey guys," Sam smiled.

"Don't 'hey guys' us. This is not ok! They can't just rip him from your life! It's not fair!" Dean seethed.

"It sucks Dean but I won't remember it. If we ever see him again he will be a stranger to me. And we aren't strong enough to fight heaven. I have no choice, none of us do, so there's no point in trying to stop it," Sam shrugged.

"But you love him!" Dean shouted.

Sam laughed. He'd never known Dean to beat around the bush, but hearing him shout the obvious caused his chest to tighten. The feeling wouldn't last, when Balthazar was gone he wouldn't feel anything. Realizing that made him suddenly afraid. He wouldn't be in love anymore, the fluttering in his stomach would leave, and he'd feel just as empty as he had before he met the angel.

"I won't anymore. If there's nothing in my head to tell me I love him then I won't feel it. When he doesn't exist to me anymore there won't be anything for me to remember or feel this for," Sam said just as bluntly.

If anyone were paying attention to Balthazar they would have seen the breath hitch in his chest and him slump momentarily. Maybe it wasn't love he felt but he felt some form of connection to the hunter. This assignment was hurting him, which surprised him because he wasn't supposed to feel anything.

"Love is stronger than that Sam. You're not just going to forget him. You might not remember him but if you see him again your body will remember! He can't just pop out of here and expect you not to be affected. You'll be empty and have nothing in your head but your heart will know something is missing, you won't be fine," Dean argued.

Cas looked forlornly at Sam and Balthazar before teleporting himself and Dean away. The look he gave them before leaving made Sam feel that there might have been some truth in Dean's words. But there was nothing anyone could do.

"How do we do this?" Sam asked.

Balthazar took Sam in his arms hugging him close and breathing in his scent. His heart stirred because he knew Dean was right. Even though he wasn't supposed to feel things he felt his heart tugging in his chest like and imaginary bond had formed around them both. His job was to sever the bond but even he knew it could never be destroyed. When they pulled away Balthazar gave Sam a kiss trying to tell him just how he felt about their situation. Sam wanted to think there was love in the kiss but he knew better than to allow himself to feel like that.

When Balthazar pulled away he was invisible to Sam. Sam looked around feeling like maybe he'd forgotten to do something but couldn't remember what. With a shrug he went to the kitchen. Balthazar followed him before teleporting himself back top heaven. His job was done so there was no point in sticking around.

As Balthazar left Sam felt something in his chest. He felt a strong tug and had to stop for a moment before he could breathe again. His heart felt like it was being squeezed but as quickly as it started it was over. Moments later Cas and Dean appeared in the kitchen. Cas was glaring at Dean rather intently causing Sam to cock a brow.

"Lovers quarrel?" Sam asked.

"So it's done then? Just like that?" Dean asked Cas sadly.

Sam looked at the two and watched as both of their shoulders sagged just a bit. The look of sadness shared between the two of them reminded Sam of something but he couldn't place the feelings and figured they were just projecting their feelings on him. With a shrug he left to search for a new job to keep them occupied.


	4. Chapter 3

Sam had been feeling empty for a long time. He didn't remember when it started but he didn't feel right. Dean would just brush it off and Cas wouldn't even look at him when he brought it up. The way they acted made him feel like there was something more to what he was feeling than they let on but neither would talk about it.

Sam's drinking habits had gotten worse since Balthazar left but neither Dean nor Cas could say anything. They knew he was trying to fill a void he didn't know used to be full and had nothing to offer in replacement. Dean tried to keep them busy on case after case but they were all growing tired and needed a break. As they drove to Bobby's house Sam slept in the back seat. Cas popped into the car next to Dean with a look on his face.

"Balthazar isn't doing well. He knows that something went wrong and Sam is lost. He's lost as well. When he was assigned to fight among the ranks he went rouge and killed and entire battalion of invaders all on his own. His actions are wearing him down. When he looks down upon Sam she sees the pain Sam is in and he hates that Sam is being so reckless. I've never seen an angel look ragged and exhausted but that's what he is. By throwing himself into work he's trying to forget but for some reason the powers above won't let him. They want his anger for the situation to fuel his rage and make him the greatest weapon they have. But I believe it to be backfiring because he's going to fall. His anger is too strong, his pain too deep," Cas said concerned looking back at Sam.

"I know what you mean. Sam's practically a walking liquor store. I've never seen him drink so much so frequently. I think he's sleeping around too. I haven't seen it but he'll come home from a bar all disheveled and stinking. He doesn't know what he's lost but he knows something isn't there and I'm afraid it's going to kill him. Heaven needs to step in and do something because of Balthazar falls and Sam dies we're all screwed," Dean said concern dripping from his words.

"I've tried talking to the powers above but they won't listen. They think everything is fine. That the loss between the two of them is enough to save us all. I've asked them to look to the future, see that they need each other. It's a losing battle though. They won't admit they've made a mistake and fix it," Cas added.

Sam stirred in the backseat but didn't wake up. He was trapped in a dream chasing after a glowing figure. As he ran it kept getting farther and farther away until Sam was left in the dark trying to find a way out. When Dean shook him awake he got out of the car and grabbed his bag before heading into the house. After unpacking he raided the liquor until he passed out. Bobby helped Dean pour him into bed.

"He's going to kill himself," Bobby sighed heavily.

It was tough watching Sam wreak havoc on his body because his heart yearned for something his brain wouldn't all him to remember. Having to deal with the loss of his wife was hard the two times he had to but he got the closure he needed to get over it. Sam wasn't aware of what he was mourning so there was no way for him to cope.

"I don't know what to do with him Bobby. I'm at a complete loss. He hunts like I've never seen before, he's so vicious now. It's worse than when he was soulless. Maybe he wants something to hurt worse than he does or something but it's downright scary. Then when we're done he goes out and drinks like it's oxygen. When he comes back he's drunker than hell and just passes out. Most of the time he doesn't even make it to his bed," Dean sighed.

"Well at least you can get him into the hotel room," Bobby sighed.

"I don't go with him Bobby, he won't let me," Dean said.

"Then how does he get back. If he's too drunk to make it to the bed I doubt he's stumbling around town coherent enough to make it back to the room," Bobby said with a questioning glance.

"Cas," Dean called.

Not even a second later Cas popped into the room. He looked between Dean and Bobby taking notice of their curious looks.

"Are you watching over Sam on his little escapades?" Dean questioned.

"No I can't, my abilities only work with you," the angel answered.

"Then how is he getting back? From the sounds of it he'd be lucky to make it out of the bar on his own," Bobby questioned.

It didn't take long for all of them to come to the same conclusion. Balthazar had to be breaking the rules and helping Sam out. How else would Sam be able to get back safe and sound? It also explained why he was so angry up in heaven. Seeing the affects his disappearance has on Sam first hand had to be taking a major toll on him. Maybe if Sam realized he had a knight in shining armor, of sorts, there to save his drunken ass from death he did it on purpose. If being that drunk is the only way to see Balthazar he would do it every night.

"Balthazar!" Dean called, "Pleas come here. We need you. I know you're not supposed to help but you're the only one who can."

The flutter of wings was heard. When they turned they saw the most disturbing sight they could have imagined. Balthazar stood before them in ragged looking clothing that might have once been his usual designer wear. Hatred oozed out of every pore making an almost visible veil surrounding him. But his ice blue eyes were devoid of all emotion. Standing before them was a broken shell of a being.

"I'm not a puppy darling so make this quick!" Balthazar almost snarled.

"Are you keeping an eye on Sam?" Dean asked.

Balthazar's stance faltered for a moment. His eyes flared in anger at the mention of Sam's name. Nevertheless they knew the answer just from the moment's hesitation. It was a rhetorical question anyways. No one else had the investment that the four of them did.

"You expect me to put my life on the line for some pathetic human? Why would I risk my life for one of you? Sorry boys but I'm not on team free will anymore. My mission is to defend the heavens not you earthly slugs. If Sasquatch wants to piss away his gift of life drinking himself into oblivion then that's on him. I stuck my neck out once and it got me nothing," Balthazar said angrily.

They watched as the angel tried to hide his pain from them. His shoulders slumped and his entire demeanor seemed to crumble under the weight of his words but he kept up enough of the charade to make them wonder how much was truth. A stirring from the doorway caught their attention. Balthazar almost went to the human but stood his ground. They could all see how hard he fought with himself to stay put.

"Who is this?" Sam asked swaying a bit on his feet.

Before anyone could answer, Balthazar was gone. Dean could have sworn the angel growled before taking off but he wasn't certain. Seeing Sam like that crushed Dean on the inside but realization hit him. Sam was fueling Balthazar's anger making him the warrior heaven wanted. That's why no one stepped in to stop it. The whole plan was to have Balthazar destroy all the adversaries even if it cost Sam his life, which it wouldn't because whoever would keep him alive until Balthazar wasn't needed any longer. Sam was expendable and that was why Balthazar was so angry and broken.

"An angel?" Sam asked.

Something seemed to be different in his words. A softer tone and maybe something just a little painful hidden under his casual words. No one knew what to say or do. They were all at a loss. Sam's body seemed to have a visceral reaction to Balthazar, almost pulling the two of them together but it was subtle. Dean angrily storms from the room leaving Sam confused and Cas looking after him almost heartbrokenly. Bobby sighed and watched Sam pick up a bottle of whiskey. There was no point in taking it away, Sam's body was trying to cope with a loss he couldn't even remember.

Dean was in the junk yard tearing out parts of an old car to fix up an even older car. Cas appeared behind him but let the hunter angrily destroy as much as he could before his body gave out. When Dean's legs collapsed Cas was there to catch him and hold him as he gasped for air. They sat together for a long time.

"They're using Sam to make him angry and he knows it. That's why Balthazar is so angry. Because Sam is killing himself to forget something he can remember so he will do his job. I wouldn't be surprised if he threw himself out of the heavens at this point," Dean said angrily.

"I have an idea," Cas said before disappearing.

Sam stumbled out of the house and headed towards the woods. His mind was hazy as he made his way from the house. Everyone was watching too closely when all he wanted was to be alone. His chest ached for something he couldn't find and the only way to make it better was to drink. Alcohol numbed everything and brought him relief that not even hunting had given him lately. His foot slipped out from underneath him sending him crashing to the ground. All his strength was gone so Sam laid there while he finished the bottle.

"Sam you have to stop this," an accented voice said.

Sam opened his eyes and saw a hazy figure standing over him. His eyes wouldn't focus so he couldn't see who it was but he felt in his bones that the person was exactly who he needed. The angel that had been in the house. Sam attempted to sit up a few times before he actually made it. The drunken stupor he was in made everything spin around him. The woods and ground became one object consuming him.

"How do you know me?" Sam asked.

The man laughed but didn't answer him. Sam sat up again and tried to get to his feet. The man reached out to help him up. A spark of light flashed through Sam causing his heart to swell. Moments later the feeling was replaced by nothing but loss and sorrow. He let go of the hand so quickly he almost fell again.

"If I could give you the answers you wanted I would, love, but I can't. We aren't supposed to be here but I can't abandon you," he said.

Sam fought with the alcohol trying to gain control of his body. He wanted to see and remember this person. The things he felt made him feel whole, human again. If he could hold on to that forever he knew he would but a sinking feeling in his stomach made him lunge forward. The man caught Sam easily before lowering them both to the ground. Sam was once again filled to the brim with everything he didn't know he was missing out on.

"Don't leave me. Please just stay with me forever," Sam pleaded drunkenly.

"If I could I would, love, but there are things more powerful than either of us in control of this situation," he spoke softly.

"I love you," Sam breathed before passing out.

Balthazar sighed before teleporting Sam back to his bedroom. He knew that the others knew he had helped Sam but that didn't mean he was going to admit it. Last time he rebelled and put himself out there he had been killed. It didn't take a genius to see he wasn't going to get another chance. If they wanted him to be happy and in love then he would have been by Sam's side instead of fueling his binge drinking habits.

"You should be felled!" the voice boomed.

Balthazar almost flinched at the strength of the voice. Instead he stood and squared off with the newcomer.

"Then do it," Balthazar said.

"You won't end on earth!" he seethed.

"Doesn't matter," Balthazar challenged.

"You would let your life end over this human?" he asked seeming confused.

"What is life if I can't spend it enjoying the sinful desired of human flesh?" Balthazar retorted.

"You are an angel, Balthazar. You shouldn't desire to sin!"

"Then stop me. You created us to with free will and you demand others to take it from me. Take it yourself if you want it but I will not hand it over freely," Balthazar said calmly.

"I am your father and without me you would not exist. I ask you to defend your home from those trying to destroy it and you defy me. What good are you to me if you cannot do the job you were created for? Yes I created free will and have given all my creations that gift but without the laws we would all succumb to darkness," he said.

"I've defended my home for millenniums without falter. My job has been done a thousand times over. We still have a heaven because my brothers and I willingly fight to protect it. When it was commanded I help the humans I went without question even through my rebellion and upon my return to life I did as I was told. I do not feel much because the ability had been taken from me. What is left makes me barely alive. Do you know what you've left me with? Loyalty and hatred, so I feel them freely, a loyalty to the human who loves so deeply but pains too much because he can't understand why it hurts, and a hatred of knowing I did it to him. But I do my job because my life depends on it. While you take from me I give willingly so don't stand in front of me telling me what my job is. Because even though I rebelled from you I have always remained nothing but loyal and compliant!" the angel seethed.

The being paused to take in the words Balthazar spoke. Anger was tearing through Balthazar as he stood in front of the angel responsible for his creation. The other angel wore a smirk seemingly pleased with Balthazar's reactions.

"Only the father can give and take as freely as you accuse of me. If you want to love the human then love him. No one was ever standing in your way," he other spoke.

Balthazar was angry enough to kill. If the elder angel hadn't vanished there would have been a fight. Taking a few deep breaths, Balthazar calmed himself down enough to pop himself back into heaven.


	5. Chapter 4

Balthazar lost track of time as he fought countless adversaries in heaven. To keep himself occupied he kept himself away from the other angels and from looking down on earth. His reserve wasn't strong enough to resist going down once he saw all it had to offer. He longed to go down and partake in all the human delicacies but knew his place.

After Balthazar realized that being on earth wouldn't help him feel any better about his situation he was thrown into angel boot camp. He was pushed until to the breaking point when they realized there was no way to break him. So they put him back on the front lines hoping he'd keep where he belonged. The plan was working so far but no one knew when he would explode. And they all knew he was no to be reckoned with once he did.

Sam was finally getting back into life again. He realized that drinking himself into oblivion wasn't going to make him feel any better. So he went his separate way from Dean for a while knowing that Cas would look after his brother. Dean fought him at first but they both knew am needed to sort some things out before he could go back to normal. Sam knew Dean was hiding something from him and although it wasn't something that would kill him, he still needed time to get over the betrayal and the secrets that everyone seemed to be in on.

Sam grunted as he was thrown into the brick wall. He was surprised at the strength of the being he was fighting. Granted he also had no idea what it was but that didn't stop him from going in fists first. He'd meant to do more research on the area and what creature the monster could have been but the thing found him first and challenged him to a fight.

Pain tour through his body as it stabbed him straight through is leg. He knew nothing major was hit but it would be a long time for it to heal properly, if it ever did. Limping was something he could deal with but he couldn't let the monster kill anyone else. As he was tossed across the room and slammed into another wall Sam prayed for his life. It was unconscious, something he did every time he fought even though he wasn't exactly sure what it did for him. When Dean prayed Castiel would save him. Having no angel of his own had never stopped him though, and he doubted he ever would.

The creature was too strong and fast for Sam, a fact he realized too late. As his body slammed into a third wall he felt his mind getting fuzzy. He heard the sound of wings and a breeze on his face before the darkness engulfed him. A few hours or day later Sam woke up on an extremely lavish bed. It didn't take him long to figure out he wasn't in Ohio anymore as the sounds of waves reached his ears.

"Oh good you're awake," someone said.

Sam sat up and quickly found the source of the voice. A blonde haired man sat across from the bed sipping a cup of coffee. His head pounded but he didn't let that stop him from making his way over to the man. As he stood his leg gave out beneath him sending him crashing to the ground. Pain ripped through his entire body but he quickly subdued it and stood again.

"Who are you?" Sam asked.

"I suppose you could say an old friend," he said with a thick British accent.

Sam wracked his brain in search of the face but came up empty. Something tugged at him though because the face was heartbreakingly familiar. Seeing him sitting there so stoically made Sam want to punch the man and kiss him both at the same time. The thought surprised him. Why did Sam want to kiss him?

"Do you have a name?" Sam asked.

"Balthazar," he answered.

The name physically attacked Sam. Air rushed from his lungs as if he'd been punched and he struggled to get more back inside. He grabbed onto the table for support as his body reacted. Sam figured it was from the recent fight or Balthazar was doing something to him by his own accord.

"What are you?" Sam asked next.

Balthazar laughed and shook his head. There was something behind his eyes but it was gone so quickly Sam couldn't figure out what it was. A memory flashed through Sam's mind as he took in the man before him.

"We've met before Sammy, on quite a few occasions," he said almost arrogantly.

"The angel from a few years ago," Sam remembered.

"Has it been years?" Balthazar asked more to himself, "Time doesn't matter in heaven but I suppose you could be a few years older."

"Where am I?" Sam asked.

"You're in one of my safe houses. Much nicer than the squalor you usually stay in but I couldn't bring my standards that low," Balthazar jibed.

Sam didn't know how to take the angel's words. Part of him wanted to believe it was a joke but he said it in such a serious voice confusing him. Balthazar gave same a soft smile that tugged at a memory he wasn't sure really existed.

"Take a seat and have some coffee. After you eat we'll get around to healing those nasty wounds," Balthazar offered.

Sam sat and took a sip of the coffee in front of him. He almost groaned it was so good. Made perfectly to his taste. An egg white omelet was in front of him before he'd finished savoring the first sip of coffee. The hunter ate quietly almost afraid to break it. This wasn't the first time he'd met Balthazar, he was sure, but he couldn't remember ever seeing him before. The way his body reacted so violently to the other man made him wonder what it could have been.

"Did you save me last night?" Sam asked.

"I did," Balthazar replied.

"Why?"

"Because you darling, are far too hard a habit to break," the angel answered.

"What does that mean?" Sam asked.

The angel ignored him as he waked into what Sam guessed was a bathroom. When he returned he had a smirk on his face. Sam felt a flutter in his stomach at the look. He looked the angel over and realized he was terribly good looking. Sexuality was something Sam had figured was fluid and bent to fit each person individually so it never bothered him when he found be attractive. Besides, technically Balthazar was a sexless being in a male skin. If he felt like it, Balthazar would be a woman just as easily.

"How about we get you cleaned up a bit love?" Balthazar said.

Sam felt a lump for him his throat as Balthazar approached him. Nervous flutters rippled through him at the huskiness of his voice. He stood though and backed away a few steps. His apprehension made him feel like a fool. There was no reason for him to react that way towards Balthazar. The other man had given him no reason to be nervous.

Balthazar realized that something was wrong when Sam backed away from him. Instead of advancing on the hunter, Balthazar decided to take a seat on the couch and wait for Sam to come around. Forcing himself on the man would only hinder his resolve. If it was the last thing he did, which it probably would be, Sam would love him again. If he wanted to do it the easy way he could have just erased the memory block, but they had both changed over the years and Balthazar wanted their love to be as strong as it was before he died.

It took Sam a moment before he gained enough control over himself to walk over to the couch. He stood before Balthazar trying to hold in whatever emotions were tearing through him.

"Ok," Sam said.

Balthazar stood and walked around Sam. He was assessing the damage. Although the wound on his leg was the worst, there were quite a few that could be fatal. With a sigh he stepped in front of Sam again. A smile spread over his face.

"I hope you haven't got any fond attachments to these clothing, love because they're absolutely destroyed," Balthazar spoke.

Sam swallowed a lump again as Balthazar started unbuttoning his shirt. The cloth was way beyond repair but his body froze. He didn't need the angel to undress him but he couldn't make his body stop it.

"I don't have anything else," Sam said.

"Don't worry Sammy," Balthazar teased sliding the shirt off Sam's shoulders.

"What's with the pet names?" Sam asked trying to sound annoyed.

"It's kind of my thing. Do they bother you?" Balthazar asked taking a long look up and down Sam's now exposed torso.

"Some."

"Which ones darling? I'll do my best to keep them at bay," Balthazar said with a far off tone.

"I don't like Sammy," Sam answered.

Balthazar pulled his eyes away from Sam's very well defined abdomen to look him in the eyes.

"No Sammy then, how about babe?" Sam shook his head no, "Dear," another shake, "Darling?"

"I like that one," Sam breathed.

"How about love?"

"No. not unless you love me," Sam replied.

Balthazar shrugged but the response hit him hard. They both knew love was damned near impossible for any angel. Guardian angels needed love to protect their charges but beyond that very few angels could feel it. He sighed and stepped closer to Sam.

"Alright then let's get these taken care of shall we?" Balthazar said.

He reached up and placed a hand above a wound on Sam's shoulder. It was small so Sam would barely feel it. The larger, more serious ones would cause Sam some discomfort so Balthazar would ease him into those.

Sam shivered at the feeling of the angel magic rushing through him. He groaned as Balthazar healed a rather large wound on his back. It felt warm and comforting but burned before he felt nothing again. The healing made him feel alive and Balthazar's steady hand resting on his shoulders to brace himself or the healing really did wonders to comfort him.

"This one is going to be a bit nasty," Balthazar warned.

Sam cried out as Balthazar placed his hand on Sam's back to heal the wound going down his spine. His back felt like it was on fire but Sam knew it would be over soon. The burning sensation got more intense causing Sam to close his eyes and almost fall forward. Balthazar quickly caught him and allowed the hunter a moment to collect himself. Sam let his weight rest on Balthazar knowing he was a lot stronger than he looked.

"The one on your leg is going to hurt as well Sam. He got you straight through the thigh. If you want I can just clean it up enough so it won't infect and let it heal on its own. I'm afraid you won't enjoy the healing on that one," Balthazar offered lowing Sam carefully onto the couch.

"I can handle it," Sam breathed.

Instead of removing Sam's pants Balthazar just tore them to get access to the wound. Sam braced himself for the pain as the glowing light radiated from Balthazar's hand.

"Relax darling," Balthazar said.

Balthazar knelt to the ground in front of Sam. He placed a hand on Sam's chest forcing him to lean back and relax a bit. The other hand began the healing process. If he knew how to make the healing less painful he would have done it. Hearing Sam hiss and groan in pain wasn't something he enjoyed. Sam was moving too much for Balthazar to continue the healing. Quickly he moved between Sam's legs still keeping his hand over the wound while trying to still the hunter.

"You're moving too much. Please be still," he said locking Sam's gaze.

"I can't," Sam gasped.

Sam slid off the couch onto the ground. He was exhausted and wasn't feeling a great as he had hoped he would. Cas had never healed him but he'd always just assumed it was a quick touch and done. Maybe each angle had different heal process. Either way Sam was in pain and panting as he prayed for it to be over.

"Sam, look at me," Balthazar said.

Sam opened his eyes and looked right into Balthazar's eyes. Before he could say anything the angel kissed him. The kiss was startling but not unwanted. For a moment Sam pulled away when he felt the burning in his leg again but Balthazar grabbed him by the back of the neck and crashed their lips together again. Sam let the kiss light a fire inside him that made the healing pain almost nothing.

When the healing was done they didn't stop. Balthazar brought his hand up and locked it in Sam's hair. Their tongues battled as their teeth clashed and lips bruised under the passion of it. Sam rocked himself forward knocking Balthazar on to his back on the floor. As Sam hovered over him Balthazar let him take control. Warmth flooded through Sam as he devoured the angel, dragging his hands down Balthazar's sides and savoring the feel or hard muscles under the thin shirt. Before Sam knew what was happening he'd pulled Balthazar's shirt off and was slowly kissing his way down the angel's chest.

It was too much and Balthazar knew if it didn't stop they would take it too far.

"Enough Sam," Balthazar breathed.

Sam seemed to be electrocuted by the words and shot away from Balthazar. When Balthazar sat up after taking a few minutes to get control of himself, Sam was in the kitchen gripping the counter so tightly his knuckles were white.


	6. Chapter 5

Sam looked down at himself wearing the lavish and extravagant outfit Balthazar had given him. After being healed he'd tested out his leg and was relieved to not feel a single thing. No scars were left behind either, which surprised him a bit.

"What's taking so long in there darling," Balthazar called.

Sam sighed trying not to think about their kiss. He knew it was just to keep him still while his wound healed but the heat of it nearly roasted him. Frustration took over him as he tried to keep himself calm. The kind of electricity that crackled between them was amazing. No one had captivated him and made him want so much more with just a kiss. No promises of anything else and Sam wanted everything from just their kiss.

The clothing fit him tighter than he was used to but at least they were clean and in one piece. He sighed and left the bathroom almost surprised then the angel wasn't standing right outside the door. Balthazar was standing on the patio looking out at the waves hitting the beach below. Sam took a moment to look around the hotel. It was a studio room, which Sam figured was more for Sam than anything, but it was a very grand looking room.

"Where are we?" Sam asked.

Balthazar turned to face Sam, leaning against the railing. His shirt was still cast across the room making it hard for Sam not to look the angel over. He didn't try to hide it when he looked Sam over. A contented smile fell over his lips before he entered the room again. Sam wanted to back up but stood his ground. Something about Balthazar was driving Sam mad but he couldn't figure out why.

"Spain. It's quite lovely this time of year," Balthazar spoke.

Sam looked out the open doors but all he saw was the water. He didn't really care where they were, he just wanted to break the silence. Something was clawing at his mind, desperately trying to make Sam realize something. Whatever it was, Sam wasn't even sure it was real. More like an idea of something rather than something that actually happened. He started to get a little uncomfortable.

"Well as much fun as this has been we've both got things to do," Balthazar said stepping closer to Sam.

Sam wanted to protest but before he had a chance he was in his car. Since he was already rested he decided to head out back to Bobby's. It had been a few months since he had last checked in with anyone, which suddenly felt like too long. The drive was tedious though as he was plagued with thoughts of the kiss he'd shared with the angel.

By midnight he arrived at Bobby's house. The sight of the ancient looking three story structure made him feel at ease. He knew that no matter what he would always have a home at Bobby's. The man was the closest thing to a father that he and Dean had left. Even before their father's death, Bobby had done everything to give them a good upbringing. They owed him their lives a hundred times over but Bobby wasn't one to hold it against them.

"Bout time you showed up. We've been trying to get a hold of you for months," Bobby said as Sam entered the study.

Sam smiled, glad Bobby didn't have to look over his shoulder to know it was Sam. He hadn't seen Dean's car parked at the house so he guessed it was just Bobby.

"I needed some time to clear some things up," Sam shrugged.

"Well now that you're here you can help me do some research. We think we've found a way to get rid of the leviathan but we're not sure the process. Dean and Cas are out hunting for an ancient book. We're not even sure it still exists but there's some mention of it in a couple of these lore books. I don't expect them back for a few weeks," Bobby explained.

Sam shrugged off his coat and took a seat in an overstuffed chair with a stack of books beside it. He picked up the first noting all the markers and tags holding the place of valuable or credible information. A few hours later Bobby had called it a night leaving Sam to his work. If there was one thing Sam was good at, it was research. He lived for flipping through things and learning everything he could. Books and papers were what made him feel most useful. Sure he could fight like the best of them but he'd never met a more efficient researcher aside from Ash, but he was dead.

"Burning the midnight oil ay Sammy."

Sam sighed upon hearing the British angel. His heart started to hammer in his chest but he feigned disinterest.

"I told you not to call me that," Sam replied flipping pages in the book.

Before Sam knew what happened the book was gone. He looked up to see Balthazar holding the book, flipping through the pages. Balthazar tossed the book aside when he was sure he had Sam's full attention. The angel looked Sam over and smiled when he saw Sam still wearing his clothing.

"My you are one delicious boy," Balthazar smirked.

"I don't really have time to play right now. You might not care but the leviathan are a problem I'd like to solve," Sam sighed and messaged his temples.

Balthazar noticed how tired Sam looked. The hunter's entire demeanor seemed to slump with exhaustion. He sighed and snapped his fingers. Sam looked around and noticed that he was now in his room at Bobby's.

"You'll be more useful if you're fully rested darling. I'll continue looking for your answer, you rest," Balthazar said.

Sam went to protest but when Balthazar turned wearing such a firm look, he balked and kicked off his shoes. He sighed slipping the skin tight shirt off before falling into bed. Balthazar stuck around to make sure Sam slept before going to look for the answers the hunters were looking for.

Bobby awoke to the smell of coffee. He groaned and made his way to his kitchen. The mug almost fell when he saw Balthazar sitting at the table reading his morning paper.

"What the hell are you doing here!" Bobby almost shouted.

"Helping," Balthazar said calmly.

"Why?" he asked.

"I felt like it," Balthazar sighed.

The angel folded the paper and watched as Bobby sat across from him. He took a sip of his coffee, glad he'd gotten some halfway decent grinds. The muck Bobby stocked just wouldn't do at all. Bobby seemed to be warring with himself over Balthazar's presence.

"I know you're worried about Sam, Bobby, but you don't have to. I promise to be on my best behavior. If he wants me gone then I'm gone," Balthazar leveled with the old hunter.

"I'm not really worried about Sam. You're the one that worries me," Bobby sighed.

"Aw I didn't know you cared," Balthazar said sarcastically.

"Shut up. Just because you're a big macho angel don't mean you won't get your feelings hurt. The two of you have a rocky past that only you remember. I don't want that getting in the way. You can fake all that 'no emotion' crap you want but I got eyes boy and you ain't foolin' anyone around here. And I'm warning you right now, you break his heart for a second time and I'll personally hunt you down and gank your feathery ass myself! That boy's been through enough because of you so you'd best be on your toes," Bobby warned before heading back into the study.

Sam entered the kitchen a few hours later looking well rested. Balthazar hadn't moved from his seat since Bobby left. His mind reeled with what the man had said. Could he possibly still love Sam? He was almost certain he didn't remember what love felt like. The bond he shared with Sam was very strong and seemed to be unbreakable but he couldn't figure out what to call it.

"Morning," Sam said.

Balthazar snapped form his thoughts and looked up at Sam. Something in his mind clicked into place filling him with fear. Not even a second later, Balthazar was gone. Sam felt a little hurt but the angel's sudden disappearance but held it to himself. There was something going on between the two of them that Sam desperately wanted to know. He knew Bobby knew about it but was reluctant to share. A desperate need filled him as he found Bobby in the study.

"What's the story with Balthazar?" Sam asked sitting in the chair again.

Bobby stopped flipping pages for a moment to look at Sam. Bobby sighed and shook his head. It wasn't his place to tell but he knew Sam didn't want to hear that. After a pregnant pause Bobby gave Sam his full attention.

"He's been a lot of help in the past," Bobby began.

"Why don't I remember him?" Sam asked.

"Things got a little sticky a while back and he was sent back to heaven. I guess he's been on his best behavior because he's back now, hopefully for good. As much as I hate his arrogant feathery ass he is a pretty big help," Bobby continued trying not to show his irritation.

Sam had more questions but he knew Bobby wasn't going to answer them. He had to ask Balthazar himself. His suspicions lead him to believe it would be easier to find a unicorn than it would be getting answers from the angel. He was going to try though.

Balthazar hadn't returned by the time they took a break. Sam looked at the clock almost shocked seeing it was close to night fall. He stood, stretching before heading to rummage through Bobby's cabinets for food. When he found nothing appetizing he made another pot of coffee. Bobby joined him after it finished brewing.

"I'm going to visit a friend in Wisconsin in the morning. He's got some books I want to take a look at. Stick around here for a while and hold down the fort. Hopefully Dean and Cas will be back in a few days so you can catch them up on what we've found," Bobby said.

"You mean the whole bunch of nothing?" Sam joked lightly.

Bobby smiled and shook his head before placing his empty mug in the sink and heading to his room. Sam finished the pot before going back to his research. He was determined to find something of use before he went to bed. All the books they had were getting ragged with their use but he was sure they were getting enough to add up to something.

When Sam heard the flutter of wings he figured it would be Dean and Castiel. He finished writing down what he'd found making a mark in the book before looking up. Balthazar leaned on the far wall shrouded in the shadow of a looking bookcase. Sam sighed knowing the two needed to talk. After putting the book down he watched the angel. Neither made a move for quite a while. The silence wasn't uncomfortable but full of something Sam desperately wanted in on.

Eventually Balthazar walked into the room and took a seat on an old couch. He looked out of place dressed so elegantly in the shabby room but Sam enjoyed the sight. His stomach was doing somersaults, which Sam was getting used to in the presence of the angel.

"Find anything useful?" Balthazar asked.

Sam saw something flash across his eyes but ignored it. Something was different about Balthazar and it didn't take a genius to notice it. He seemed like there was something heavy on his chest. But Sam knew he wouldn't get the truth if he asked.

"I don't know. We've got a whole lot of something that hopefully will add up to helpful but right now it's just a bunch of nothing. Or maybe everything. This isn't really something we've dealt with before. Usually we do some research and we bust down doors to kill the bad guy. This time we're grasping at straw that all seem to be the wrong one. It's not easy for any of us. I'm starting to think we won't be able to save the world this time," Sam sighed finally realizing how tired he was.

"You're superman Sam, if anyone can save the world it's this team right here. Heaven hasn't kept you alive for nothing. Someone up there knows you will figure it out. It's your destiny," Balthazar offered softly.

Sam wasn't used to the soft side Balthazar was showing. Usually the cocky arrogance was enough to suffocate the room. He had to admit though, he was flattered Balthazar was allowing him to see it. His eyes felt heavy in the late hour but he wanted to spend more time with Balthazar.

"You're tired Sam. Go to sleep. Exhausting your body won't give you the answers you need. And it's getting awful tiresome being your voice of reason," Balthazar sighed.

Sam knew the angel was really just looking out for him. There was no malice in his tone. He wanted Sam to be at his best, which startled and comforted him.

"Why do you care?" Sam asked hoping to be able to get a deeper answer than he thought the angel would give.

"You're trying to bait me, darling and as flattering as it is, it won't work," Balthazar answered.

"I just want to know why everyone knows you and about you while I can't remember a time you've been around to help. I feel like there's something more than this," Sam gestured widely with his hands trying to hide his frustration, "but there's nothing there."

Balthazar's stoic look faltered to one of sadness. He tried to mask it again but even if he had all the angel power in the world, he knew it was impossible. His heart ached to comfort Sam confusing him more than he cared to admit. If he wasn't allowed to feel he shouldn't have been hurt by Sam's desperate pleas for answers.

"Go to bed, Sam we've got all the time in the world for answers later," Balthazar sighed.

Sam knew he wasn't going to get anything and gave up. He made his way to his room praying Balthazar would still be there in the morning. Even though he didn't understand it, he needed the angel around.

Balthazar heard Sam's prayers and knew he'd never be able to keep away. The human meant everything to him. He sighed heavily and went over everything Bobby and Sam had gathered. If he wasn't leaving, he might as well make himself useful.


	7. Chapter 6

Bobby was gone by the time Sam got out of the shower. The house seemed to swallow him as he made his way to the kitchen. Sam almost shouted in surprise to see Balthazar in the study flipping violently though a book. After making a cup of coffee Sam joined him.

"You're still here," Sam said.

"How very astute an observation," Balthazar replied.

Sam watched Balthazar as he threw the useless book onto the desk. Balthazar sighed and rubbed his eyes. All the research was really taking a toll on him but he wasn't going to leave Sam until Sam shoved him out the door.

"So now's a pretty good time for us to talk don't you think?" Sam said confidently.

"About what?" Balthazar feigned ignorance.

Sam sighed knowing he was going to have to fight to get the conversation going his way. He wanted an easy conversation but knew how stupid that seemed. Balthazar was a master of words and getting his way. It wouldn't take him long to derail Sam from his mission if he wasn't on his toes.

"Our history together," Sam said.

Balthazar heard the emptiness of the statement and knew that Sam was grasping at straws. Granted he grabbed the right one but Balthazar wouldn't give him anything for free. He'd spent the night fighting with everything inside him to find the answers he needed to proceed.

"What do you know that I don't?" Sam demanded.

"Quite a lot actually," Balthazar returned.

"You know what I mean!" Sam shouted.

"Do I?"

"Yes you do!"

"What do I know Sammy?" Balthazar taunted.

Sam was getting angry. He knew it wouldn't be easy to get answers but he didn't expect himself to get so angry.

"Tell me something!" Sam said trying to reel in his emotions.

"The average human being is a 28 year old Asian man with a bank account and a cell phone," Balthazar sighed.

Sam growled in frustration. He wanted to hit the angel but knew it would only hurt himself. Giving up, Sam left the room. Balthazar followed only to see Sam leaning over the counter gripping it tightly. The smirk on his face faltered.

During the night he'd done a lot of soul searching and angel hunting to get the answers he wanted. He had the answers but wasn't sure what to do with them. In even rarer cases than guardians falling in love, warriors did as well. It took a strong bond and an even stronger warrior to maintain the love because warriors weren't supposed to feel it. Knowing that he and Sam shared something special made him want to restore the old memories but he couldn't. If he wanted Sam back he was going to win him over without his angel magic. Sam had to fall for him again so Balthazar knew it was real.

"I know what you're looking for Sam. I know you feel like there should be something there even though you can't find it. But I can't give you what you're looking for. It doesn't exist the way you think it should. Things aren't ever that easy," Balthazar offered.

Sam turned to face the angel. His heart pounded and was being squeezed at the same time making him want to rip it out. There was something tying the two of them together, of that he was sure, but he didn't know what it was. Balthazar was meant to be in his life because Sam didn't know how to imagine the angel not in it.

"I'm torn here Balthazar. Part of me wants you to leave and never come back. This, whatever it is seems to complicatedly not worth everything it is. And then there's part of me that wants to shackle you to my side and never let you go. We go deeper than just this, you can deny it until the day I die but I know there is or was something. But I don't know which part to listen to," Sam sighed.

"If you wish for me to leave I will. But you have to mean it, Sam. You have to want me gone so badly that you don't ever want me to come back because that's the only way it's going to happen," Balthazar said.

"I just want to know why I can't get you out of my head. When I close my eyes I see you, I can still taste you, and as much as I hate how confusing this is, I want more," Sam said.

Balthazar's eyes turned to blue fire. He slammed them shut in hopes to calm himself down. Sam was asking for it whether he knew it or not and Balthazar wasn't a man to deny himself pleasure.

"You don't know what you're going to get yourself into Sam. I'm not a man to deny myself the pleasures of flesh," Balthazar replied his voice heavy with innuendo.

Sam was on him in an instant. Balthazar didn't have a chance to shove him off before he was pushed heavily to the wall. If he had the strength to deny himself, Balthazar would have shoved Sam away. But he couldn't, he wanted Sam so deeply within himself that he nearly exploded with their lips touched. For a few moments he let Sam dominate but both knew it wouldn't last. Balthazar was too much of an alpha to let Sam have all the fun.

Balthazar shoved Sam back roughly causing the hunter to stumble back until he hit the counter. He stayed Sam as he tried to get ahold of himself. Sam wasn't an angel and being as brutal as he wanted could result in some not so pretty results.

"I'm going to tear you apart if you don't cool it Sam," Balthazar breathed.

Sam realized the truth in the statement as well as the kindness in sending him away. It was admirable that Balthazar was looking after his well being but Sam didn't care. A primitive carnal need was taking over his body. He wanted to destroy Balthazar in a way that would make the angel his, and his alone. Sam tried to project the torrid thoughts in his mind into Balthazar.

In a moment of weakness the binds holding Sam at bay dropped allowing the hunter to attack Balthazar again. He slammed Balthazar to the wall hard enough to rattle the bookshelf on the other side. The angel let out a groan as Sam captured his mouth again. Their hands roamed everywhere only stopping to slide under clothing. Balthazar rocked his hips forward thrusting himself into Sam. Sam's head lolled back giving Balthazar access to his neck. Slowly he kissed, sucked, and nipped at the man's render flesh until Sam was a puddle in his hands.

"More," Sam breathed.

Balthazar shoved Sam back causing him to fall onto a bed. Sam almost laughed because he hadn't even realized Balthazar had moved them. He didn't have a chance though because the angel was on him almost instantly. Scorching hot kisses trailed from Sam's jaw to his neck. A hard bite caused Sam to arch off the bed into the man above him.

Sam's shirt fell to the floor after being torn from his body. If Balthazar weren't so lost in the passion he might have apologized, but he was too far gone to even think about stopping. His hands roamed the newly exposed flesh quickly being followed by his lips. Sam felt himself painfully hard beneath his jeans and wished Balthazar would touch him. Balthazar dropped his hips and ground down into Sam's. A mangled moan of frustration and pleasure erupted from Sam.

A hand slid down to Sam's belt easily making it disappear. If Sam wasn't so lost in the sensory overload he would have complained it was his favorite belt. Instead he bit his lip hard to keep from making any embarrassing sounds as Balthazar slid his hand inside Sam's pants. The angel palmed Sam over his boxers, a sly smirk on his face when he realized just how close Sam was.

Balthazar sat back on his heels still straddling Sam as he slowly removed his own shirt. In a quick movement Sam knocked him over and hovered above him. Balthazar smirked.

"What now love," he challenged

Sam easily removed Balthazar's pants and showed no surprise at all to the lack of boxers. The article of clothing seemed much too beneath the angel. No, a being that oozed as much sex appeal as Balthazar did would never even look at the garment. It fueled the fire in Sam's stomach turning him on more than he thought possible.

Sam knew that all Balthazar had to do was think it and he would be in charge again. Being allowed to dominate so freely wasn't something to be taken lightly. He planned on taking full advantage of it. The sounds coming from Balthazar were enough to drive him over the edge but he wasn't going break first. Balthazar arched off the mattress into Sam as he bit the angel's neck roughly.

"You are far to dressed darling," Balthazar panted in Sam's ear.

With a touch Sam's pants and boxers were gone. He gasped at the feeling of Balthazar's skin against his own. It took him a moment of relishing the feeling before he could get enough control of himself to continue. Balthazar had other ideas as he was growing impatient of Sam trying to keep himself controlled. He wanted the hunter to let go and completely unhinge for him.

Sam grunted as Balthazar sent him back to the bed. The angel ground their hips together before grabbing Sam hard. Ripples of pleasure shot through Sam as Balthazar tugged and squeezed just hard enough to be pleasurable. Balthazar watched Sam's face never once taking his eyes away. It startled Sam how intense the gaze was but only made him want the angel more.

Sam reached up pulling Balthazar to him but Balthazar turned his head. Sam took the opportunity to attack his neck. Balthazar shuddered under the assault of Sam's mouth. He probably wouldn't admit how impressed he was with the hunter's skills. Sam raked his nails down Balthazar's side wrapping his legs around the slighter man. Having enough of their games Balthazar repositioned himself and plunged deep inside Sam. Sam cried out in surprise as Balthazar entered him. He'd expected the stretching and intrusion to hurt but he felt nothing but the pressure of feeling filled. He wasn't stupid to think it wasn't because Balthazar was an angel but pushed the thought from his mind as he rocked his hips encouraging Balthazar into moving. When the angel finally did he bit Sam hard on the shoulder before sucking and soothing the skin with his tongue.

"Fuck," Sam cried shamelessly, "More."

Balthazar smiled against Sam's skin and pushed into him harder and faster. He reached between them and grabbed Sam again pumping his hand to the pace of his thrusts. It didn't take long for Sam to release crying out Balthazar's name. The angel's pace was sloppy as Sam writhed beneath him, trying to hold on as long as he could. Having Sam claw at his back trying to bring them as close as possible didn't help and he lost moments later. He slumped over as not to fall on Sam, sated and spent. His heart swelled with happiness as he panted watching Sam come back. Sam had never felt anything as soul shattering as sex with Balthazar. He saw stars after having the most amazing orgasm he'd ever experienced. It took him longer than he wanted to recover from it. Balthazar was smiling when Sam finally got control of his body again.

The silence that fell over them was comforting. Neither felt the need to say anything as they basked in the perfectness of the moment. Sam wanted it to last forever. He never wanted to leave the bed. His chest burned with need for Balthazar to stay with him but he knew the improbability of it. With a sigh he sat up almost amazed at how much he pain wasn't resounding through his body. Balthazar sat up with him but pulled Sam into an embrace. He held Sam close, their foreheads resting together. The intimacy of the moment startled Sam but his heart melted into it.

Sam wanted to say something, anything but the closeness to Balthazar was leaving him speechless. There was nothing he could say. Both knew the embrace spoke millions of words they couldn't even begin to grasp at. When Sam connected their lips in an innocent kiss he felt like his heart would explode right out of his chest. Emotions that seemed stronger than possible wrapped around him; making it impossible for him to pull away. Balthazar brought his hands up to frame Sam's face but didn't make the kiss more demanding or deepen it. When they pulled away both had their pants back on causing Sam to smile a bit. He shook his head and looked around the room. Things between him and Balthazar seemed to be so earth shattering that he couldn't believe they were still at Bobby's. The room showed no evidence of the shift that had happened between them. Everything had changed but nothing seemed to bear witness to it. He didn't know what he expected but he wanted something to be different.

"You seem unhappy," Balthazar questioned.

"I feel like everything is different now but it all just looks the same," Sam confessed.

"I'm not sure I follow you," Balthazar said.

Sam was suddenly uncomfortable with his emotions. Doubt plagued what really happened between the two of them. Everything was different for Sam but he had no idea how Balthazar felt. The world was still in danger, Bobby was still gone, the house still stood on its foundation, and really nothing had changed. No matter how much Sam wanted everything to be better they were still right where they were before anything happened. It crushed him a little but he realized how ridiculous his expectations were. Sam scooted to the edge of the bed and planted his feet on the ground. It was solid beneath him giving him a sense of security. He feared that the moment his feet touched everything would be gone but he did it anyways. When he felt Balthazar encircle him from behind he sighed in relief.

"Have I upset you?" Balthazar asked placing a kiss on Sam's shoulder.

"Are things different now?" Sam asked.

"Substantially," the angel answered.

"What does that mean?"

Balthazar could sense the turmoil in Sam's head. He knew that the hunter was having a hard time coming to terms with what had just transpired. They all knew the order and the rules. Sam didn't know how Balthazar felt or how long he'd felt it. With a sigh Balthazar crawled off the bed and knelt between Sam's legs. He knew what he had to say might blow everything he'd just gained away but he couldn't hold it to himself any more. Sam had a right to know their past.


	8. Chapter 7

Balthazar took in a breath and kissed Sam with everything he could before settling back on his knees before Sam. The position meant more to Balthazar than he figured Sam understood. Prostrate in front of the one being that meant more than heaven and home, which just happened to be one in the same to him once.

"Why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like what you have to say?" Sam asked.

"Because you won't but it's not right to keep it from you," Balthazar kept his eyes on Sam not daring to blink, "I rebelled from heaven long before you were even a dream of a dream in the human race. I indulged fantastically in anything I could get my hands on, living as immorally as I could. When the decision that you and Dean would be vessels for Lucifer and Michael was decided I wanted in on the action. I kept an eye on the two of you but had to keep my distance because if Cas got scent of me he probably would have gutted me a thousand times over for choosing the desires of the flesh and eye over heaven. But then he came to me for help and I agreed. When he lost the ability to protect you he wanted me to step in and keep you safe. Really it was more for Dean than you. He didn't want Dean to worry or hut if anything happened to you. I wasn't happy about the idea but I'd been following you for so long it really wasn't a chore to continue.

"When things started to go bad with Cas I stepped in and made myself and integral part of yours and Dean's lives. Cas was busy dealing with the rebellion in heaven and was so power hungry he couldn't see beyond himself, see what he was doing to you and Dean. I don't know when it started but things were changing. And when you prayed for my help I couldn't say no.

"Because I rebelled I lost most of my angel loyalties giving me the joys of humanities I wouldn't have had as an angel. I could love freely and I loved you. Things got sticky after Cas teamed up with the demon. He knew I was trying to stop him and he killed me. I can't blame him. He was lost, you and Dean, he felt you'd turned on him. The people he'd chose as his family turning their backs on him when he needed it the most. So he did what he thought would fix things by getting rid of the traitor in the mix, me.

"I was granted a second chance though. Someone pulled me out of oblivion and I was restored to my angelic self. Cas was back in the picture and still only able to aide Dean so I was assigned you protect you. But I couldn't love you. I did my best Sam, I tried and fought with everything to feel what you needed, to be who you needed, but I couldn't will myself to feel anything. Warriors are granted the ability to feel only loyalty and anger. And my anger got in the way. I was angry I couldn't feel what had captivated me so strongly before I'd died. Rebelling again would have sent me back to oblivion, and for a while I thought maybe that would be best. That way you could move on and not have a constant reminder that even though I was right in front of you, I was no longer completely yours.

"Heaven stepped in because I couldn't do my assignment with all the anger. They placed me in the front lines but in order to make sure you could still do yours I had to be erased completely. Please believe me when I say that I didn't want to erase us. Call me selfish if you want but it was unbearable knowing that you wouldn't remember me, remember how I felt for you even if I couldn't still feel the same. But I did what I thought would be best for you. With my new assignment I wasn't supposed to ever return to earth and I figured I'd be killed in battle. So I erased myself from your memory.

"Maybe I didn't do it right or you really can't erase love, but something lingered in you. You fell off the deep end, drinking yourself nearly to death every night. I broke the rules and protected you making sure you got to safety but the right hands looked away and allowed it to happen. It wore me so hard knowing that you were so lost in something you couldn't remember. It made me lethal. Anything that got in my way was destroyed. But it wasn't enough so they took away my right to go to earth to keep me in line. I've never been good at following the rules and I refused to fight knowing that you could kill yourself.

"Cas called me to earth and confronted me about my interferences and that was the last straw the right hands could take. My creator came and I was sent into boot camp of sorts. I was ripped down to a shell and rebuilt a thousand times over but they couldn't break me the way they thought they could. It took years until I gave up. Fighting them had become ingrained in me and they realized I could never be the warrior they wanted. I had done my job but they knew they were losing. So they sent me back here to watch over you. I kept in the shadows until the other night just watching and making sure you woke up the next morning.

"I didn't understand why I was so drawn to you. It is rare that an angel is allowed feelings. Guardians are allowed to love because it helps them to protect their charge. It is not unusual for guardians and charges to couple up so it was no surprise to anyone when Cas and Dean fell in love. It is damn near unheard of for an archangel or a right hand or cherubs falling in love though. For an angel to feel love happens so rarely I hadn't heard of it in my entire existence. The first born came to me and explained the situation to me and even though our paths were never supposed to cross he allowed me to continue protecting you.

"I could have just given you back the memories of what we had before but I didn't want you to remember how affected you were after learning I couldn't feel love for you. I wanted to start over and earn your love the way I did before. Maybe something lingered and I haven't exactly started from square one, I don't know. All I do know is that you've captivated me from day one. Snuck into my thoughts, making me hate the choices I've made in the past. And I would have walked through hell a thousand times over if it meant I got to be with you. It took me thousands of years to realize why I was created and even if you wish me away I'll always watch over you.

"And that's where we are today. If you wish it I will leave but you have to mean it Sam, every fiber of your being needs to want me to never return before I consider it. Even then I'll still be protecting you, just out of sight. Angels don't fall in love on a whim and I will not squander this gift. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth if you ask it not because it was demanded of me as a guardian but because I chose to protect you," Balthazar explained.

"So you essentially stalked me, on more than a few occasions?" Sam asked.

Balthazar couldn't help but laugh at Sam's proclamation.

"Out of everything I just told you, that's what you hold onto?" Balthazar said, "Right well ok we can run with that for a while."

Sam smiled and shook his head. While Balthazar thought the story would anger him, probably for the mind eras part, it made his heart swell. He knew that angels couldn't love but knowing that his and Balthazar's case was special, virtually unheard of, made him happy.

"Ok, ok I'll be serious for a second," Sam smiled.

He slid off the bed and into Balthazar's lap before cupping the angel's face in his hands. When he had Balthazar's fully attention he smiled and gave him a playful kiss. Sam pulled away and put his serious face on causing them both to laugh.

"I'm not angry. Well maybe a little bit. That time, just after you left, was the worst time for me. My heart ached for something that wasn't there, something I was sure never was there. I couldn't make it stop, and don't think I'm blaming you for anything because I know you didn't want to, but I was broken. Dean and Cas kept away from me unless we were hunting and Dean always gave me these looks that told me he knew something. It was devastating because Bobby looked at me the same way. I felt betrayed that they knew something but wouldn't let me in on the secret. But now I know why, because no matter how many times you erase yourself form my life I will always love you. No memory loss if going to take that from me," Sam said.

Balthazar smiled and let out the breath he hadn't completely realized he was holding in. Sam wasn't angry with him and everything was fine.

"Do you want the memories back?" Balthazar asked.

He hoped Sam would say no. That what they had now was enough but felt it right to ask anyways. Even though he could always keep the sadness from Sam, if the hunter asked everything would be restored. When Sam shook his head no Balthazar relaxed.

"Now you're going to kiss me and tell me you love me so we can get back to saving the world," Sam demanded.

"In which order?" Balthazar asked with a playful smile on his lips.

Sam rolled his eyes before bringing their lips together. The kiss was neither demanding nor hurried. A kiss to let them both know nothing would change, that it didn't matter how they got there because they got where they needed to be. When Sam pulled away he gave Balthazar a look that made the angel laugh again. Sam decided that he loved the sound and would pull it from Balthazar as often as possible.

"I love you," Balthazar smiled.

"If you ever forget that I'm going to personally end your life, for good," Sam threatened emptily.

"I don't doubt it, love."


End file.
